Tracey Takes On...

Rayleen says her height-challenged husband maybe a midget, but he's not all small. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning compares love to a donut. Virginia Bugge reveals the identity of her most exciting lover – a horse. Hope fantasizes about a man at a coffee shop while trying to study. Chic says LA women are shallow and are only after money, that's why he came to NY, to become a chick magnet (that's the origin of his name). Fern's husband is at the hospital recovering from a heart attack, and she keeps babbling about the Chinese acrobats they must see and wander about their lives. Professional golfer Midge Dexter and Chris Warner, her ""nutritionist"", go through a tough time on their closeted relationship because Midge doesn't want to go public yet. When Midge makes the final putt Chris kisses her and a few other golfers take the opportunity to do the same. Linda Granger, who's had 4 husbands, asks who needs men afterall.

Janie Pillsworth reveals she exchanges food for poems with the ATM homeless man because his poems are a sure hit on her magazine. Hope unfortunately can't talk at the moment because she lost her voice doing reading for the blind. Fern decides to throw a fundraiser party for a disease, but Harry gets a call saying their disease I now curable. Fern is upset because next year they'll have to pick an incurable disease. Linda Granger decides to run a documentary about AAAH - Aged Animal Actors Home -, run by Rayleen and Mitch Gibson. Linda introduces several handicapped animals until she realizes her little dog was eaten. Kay Clark decides to help a starving Viet vet offering him work. He ends up stealing her mother's amphetamines – which were really very potent laxatives – to sell on the streets.

Janie Pillsworth is too busy for nostalgia. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning is nostalgic about TV shows with talking objects/animals. Kay Clark misses the days when there was only one Metamucil flavor. A Russian family misses the old Soviet Union days. Trevor Ayliss feels nostalgic about the swinging 70's, when a bathhouse was more like a ""gay chicken soup with dumplings"". Ruby Romaine talks about ""Safari"", an epic movie which was never finished due to the mysterious death of the recently-hired co-lead. Erin remembers the sixties – a decade she never really lived. Chic misses the disco era.

Rayleen questions if numbers are the most precise way to identify a royalty. She defends using referable phrases such as ""Henry the Serial Killer"" instead of Henry IV. Fern thinks Steve and Eydie are real royalty. Kay is a victim of a con artist who claimed to be the last son of the King of Albania. But was he really? Ruby doesn't have nice things to say about Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier's marriage. Sydney Kross offers her services to Lady Di. Hope remembers American royalty – Elvis, Larry King, B.B. King, etc. Virginia Bugge and her husband plan a party for Her Royal Highness. The party is a failure and Her Royal Highness only leaves to watch the X-Files. Virginia is devastated, but the Queen's assistant says she loved the party, where she could make everyone miserable – just what she enjoys. Trevor remembers an episode with Princess Diana's entourage. Linda Granger says she'd make everyone cancer-free if she ruled the world.

Fern says she'll never pressure her daughter to have children. She had and it ruined her life. Virginia Bugge still believes in corporal punishment. Kay is still following her mother's advice not to marry men because they kill you after they do nasty things to your downstairs area. Rayleen says she and her husband aren't ready to have kids yet and make everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen. Sydney thinks being a ""Big Sister"" is a great thing during trials that aren't going well. Chic has a fight with his brother for selling him bad food ‘n drinks. Mrs. Noh uses cheap techniques to make sure her niece wins the ice skating competition. Ruby remembers her large parents. Trevor is asked by his fellow flight attendant friend Leann to father her child after she sees him taking such good care of passenger Janie Pillsworth's children. Trevor doesn't want to betray his partner Barry, but ends up doing Leann the favor. The Rosenthals are looking for a condo. They don't want a fami

Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says she once had a problem when a customer ate a finger donut. But it never went too far – no evidence left. Hope says some girls were caught shoplifting, but might be doing it again – a professor's hairpiece has gone missing. Sydney Kross represents an exotic dancer who's suing a vender machine owner because she sat on hot soup. Ruby wants her son to injure himself on purpose so they can make a few bucks on a supermarket. Fern and Harry Rosenthal have a disturbing weekend helping the police bust a suspect drug dealer who turns out to be a secret narcotics agent undercovered.